Do you ever just have to check in with yourself?
“It’s SO hard to find the time, sometimes.”
I used to think that was just an excuse people made. I had A LOT of time to do A LOT of nothing. And now, I find every second is precious and annoying.
Precious-because the 60 minutes I love spending drooling over the drama on Real Housewives IS the same 60 minutes I could spend–blogging, raking leaves, laundry, reading, writing, kissing my baby…
Annoying-because I never fully relax thinking about all the things I should be doing!
When I was a Party-Girl I maximized my time by attending every event, drinking every glass of free wine, working and wasting time in the wrong relationships. (People say it’s not time wasted, you learn, but come on, if you need 4 years to learn a lesson you learned 6 months in, it’s wasted time)
Now, obviously, ALL of that has changed.
And when a Type A personality meets real responsibility–it can be a game changer. The coffee industry has a new life-long consumer, and all of the gripes that came before mine I now see are incredibly legit. I don’t have enough hours in the day! People say we have as much time as Beyonce, but no way, that chick has a team of 30 and a pact with God. She at LEAST gets 50 hours a day. At least. I have to do lists, running mental tabs, sticky notes, alarms–and it seems I can’t be satisfied with my accomplishments. I need MORE TIME, MORE items ticked off my list. I’m like the Veruca Salt of goals, right now.
When I am producing and getting shit done and in the zone–I feel on FIRE–apparently I am also LESS patient, very blunt, kinda mean, and pretty intense–to my family. As my husband let me know while keeping a great physical space between us.
The truth is, I recognized it. I don’t WANT to hear that, I’d like to think I have everything perfectly balanced and I’m as sweet as pie about it.
But, HAHA, nope.
Because I never relax I’ve incidentally imposed this ‘VIBE’ that no one can relax fully, lest they hear from me, the ‘Keeping Busy’ police. And although I deeply value motivation, activation and ALL the other “ations” that apply, my intention can get lost in the dictation. I can wrap myself up so deeply in the strive to accomplish and the yearning to make other peoples lives better, that I ignore the lives right here in my home. Making it possible for me to live this way. It’s a hard pill to swallow when all I want to do is point out HIS SHIT, HIS FLAWS–but when I don’t do that and I just sit with what he said and how that vibe could make me feel, I understand it. I know how I can be. I probably bully myself more than I bully anyone else.
Ughhh, why didn’t I finish this degree five years ago? Great, I woke up late AGAIN–because I stayed up late, AGAIN. GET OFF OF FACEBOOK! OMG, it’s raining and I left the stroller out and I knew it was gonna rain but I left it anyway and I’m so lazy.
If these are my internal thoughts I wonder how what comes out of my mouth sounds like.
So I’m having to check in with myself.
I want to achieve-but WITH my family, not to their detriment. I want to be nicer to myself, while still working hard. I want to master being direct, without the passive-aggression that can arise from ALL of this. I want to take the time to SAVOR my boys, because I know that we are in the “good old days” right now. And the truth is, NOTHING truly does give me more pleasure than just BEING with Shine and Rob. I don’t give that accomplishment credit enough.
I can’t make up for lost time. And no amount of self-inflicted mental abuse is going to make it so. My family is IN my corner, not some inconvenience. Some box to check off. Did I Mom today? Did I wife today? Okay, leave me alone. I already lost an hour this week!! My goals ARE important -and I can’t reach them alone. Rob has always been unwaveringly supportive-standing at each proverbial finish line, proudly. So, checking in, I’m learning to become a little more teammate and a little less coach.
Off yelling again,