I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in almost 2 months.
This is a place I come to REALLY pour my heart onto the page…I promise the times between these posts are happier than the posts themselves.
I have anxiety.
I mean, who doesn’t?
I can just mark mine, down to the day that I realized it. There is a before and an after. And that after was after my son was born. Since then I have been a ball of stress riddled, anxious, insecurity. Something SO FAR removed from pre-mommy Beau, it makes my head spin.
This post ISN’T about that anxiety. That organic uprising in the chest at inopportune moments.
But rather the anxiety that arises in reaction to the action of others.
How other people’s actions inform my reaction…and what, if anything, I can do to control the emotions surrounding that.
I had someone very close to me get caught in a lie. A magnanimous lie. A lie that hurt people, that spread like a cancer through their circles. A lie that gained weight and traction until it exploded in their face, upon a key player discovering what we all thought was truth-was fiction. This person thrives on their integrity. It’s one of the top things people associate them with. Integrity, honesty and humor probably. Generosity of time. They are always there for their friends. Anyway…this destroyed that for some. Including me.
Ugh, I have to say it. For the sake of transparency and my own healing.
This person was my husband.
And underneath this secret, I guess, lied even more subversive truths that he was hiding, including from himself. It’s okay…he’s getting help.
This post isn’t even about THAT. Right? You would THINK that the biggest thing I’d have to talk about would be the state of my marriage…it’s not.
I’m an open book–but that struggle is still pretty private.
That same week–like the next day or something. I hear through the ever chugging rumor mill–that a former friend has brought my name up–AGAIN- in a negative way. This time it was…I don’t know…using me as a scapegoat for something that had nothing to do with me. And I literally exploded. THAT took precedence over this very painful, domestic issue.
I think that had the timing been different, I wouldn’t have had the infuriated reaction that I did. But the time was the time. And I was exhausted. I picked up my phone and took her to task, immediately. Because at this point in this broken relationship, it’s like she’s a faceless entity of darkness to me, instead of an actual person who I used to know well and care for.
You know how that can happen? When you have a falling out with a person, but you never actually talk about it WITH them? Just around them, through texts and emails, other people…it’s not the ideal way to do life, in my opinion. It’s easy to forget humanity, when you never hear a voice.
Anyway, all of these things CHARGED with a deadlined play–that I didn’t know how to finish. And I found myself completely numb but in the angriest, most woeful way.
I’m still processing all of this. I’m still drinking down paranoia. What else do I not know? What else is he hiding? What else is she saying? Who is he talking to? Who is she talking to?
I’m making it ALL ABOUT ME.
The actions that THEY have embarked upon, ultimately have nothing to do with ME. They can mention me, they can hurt me…but these decisions are theirs to make, alone. And those decisions have poured over into my life and my decisions. They are constantly on my mind. I,E; Anxiety.
How do I handle that? How do YOU handle that?
Being forced to make choices (or not) based on other peoples influence on my psyche, heart, love, loyalty, reputation, ego, what have you…
I want freedom from ALL of that. I want separation from the affects of the poor or malicious decisions of others. I don’t want their crud seeping into the way I feel about myself. The person I know I am. The heart I know I have/had…for both of them. I want to be ABOVE that. Untouched by things that aren’t true. That aren’t made of soul.
Is that isolation? Is that putting walls up?
I’ve ALWAYS been a blindly trusting person. Even though the world has done it’s best to thwart that…my heart beats bigger than my history.
I want to remain the vulnerable self, but have a greater understanding that things they say, do, rumors spread, lies told–have a greater impact on the one imparting it. Says more about their character, than it ever could about mine. Hurts their own trust deeper than it could mine. Is that possible? Isn’t that like thick skin 101?
My skin is surprisingly translucent…
But I’ve worked really hard to own my own life, I don’t know why I would give that up now.