I took a creative visualization course yesterday. I actually jumped out of bed, into the truck and drove to the other side of town for it. Which is HUGE for me, Ms. Excuses-not-to-leave-the house-ever. So the class was going–vision boards, meditation, all that good stuff and we came upon the subject of “Tribes.” Finding your tribe, having one. And the conversation really took off.
The idea of having a tribe isn’t “new” to me, I started exploring this about three years ago when working for a Branding Agency who was obsessed with this distinction and who were decidedly NOT my tribe. (But when I left, I took a few of them with me, who were)
My novel, “Childhood Friends” also deals with the topic in a returning home way and how the friends you grew up with, may no longer be your tribe today. The more you become your authentic self, the less you are willing to accept inauthentic people and things in. Even when it’s incredibly hard to see your life without them, but you know it’s for the best.
So, when I found out I was pregnant I had this real grounding moment. I didn’t’ want to deal with any bullshit. That string of bad boyfriends I’ve mentioned, all of that negative emotion, drama–although I was away from it–I knew it was still playing tennis somewhere in my heart, mind, body. Because if I’m not intentional in clearing something out, it lies dormant in there, waiting for the perfect moment to come up again with ugly names like; Shame, fear, self abuse, alcohol abuse, drunk texting etc.
SO, I very intentionally sat myself down and said-“I don’t want people who do not have my best interest at heart in my life. I don’t want fake people in my space, false smiles and attitudes, untrustworthy liars, bigots, backstabbers, people who talk behind my back–” I mean, I went on and on and on with these filters. I wanted to clear out the space in my gut for nothing but a positive, loving home for my son. Why I couldn’t have done that for myself years ago, I don’t know, but he was the catalyst. (I think, because I hadn’t yet convinced myself that I deserved better, but I KNEW that he did.)
Okay-people started dropping like FLIES.
FLIES. I mean, I thought I was in good with my job. They found out I was pregnant, I set that intention, BOOM–they dumped me. My best friend of 15 years, BOOM–out of here. People I had been battling working with on a creative level-BOOM, gone. And on and on like that. And I looked around like “WTF just happened?” I thought I had a good thing going. I had a great job, close knit friends, doing theater–and now ALL of these people are disappeared. I was so used to being popular. And my mentor really put it in perspective for me. She reminded me what I had asked for and let me know, ‘it’s not ALWAYS the people we think it is who don’t want the best for you. Just because you want the greatest life for them, doesn’t mean that feeling is returned. This is just what you asked for being manifested.’
Mind Blown. Seriously. And of course in hindsight–as I started thinking back to my interactions with ALL of these people–I realized how strained those relationships had been. There were red flags everywhere that I had ignored because I naturally assumed that we were all here for each other. And if I had listened to my GUT, I wouldn’t have been so surprised. Even, and maybe especially, with the person I was friends with for so long. I was so used to being loyal to others, I’d forgotten to be loyal to my own instincts.
I look at the people around me now, the friends still left, and I know they are truth tellers. They don’t bullshit me. Even when I BEG them too. They are here for me and my family and they value what I give them as a friend–which is everything I have. AND, I’ve had these brilliant, funny, adventurous NEW friends join my tribe (through my new vetting process) and they are what I started asking for. The people that are going to take me to the next level and the ones I’m taking with me, do-ers and dreamers, connected and conscious. And NOT berating me at their family gatherings to feel good about themselves–(which is another story for another time) My tribe has grown so strong and although the pain of losing those other folks WAS heartbreaking and palpable at the time–THANK YOU UNIVERSE, for showing me the truth.
Honesty, hilarity, passion, action, doing things, dreaming BIG, secure, vulnerable, grown AF, nose to the grindstone NOT in the air, conscious, communicative!!!! (meet me where I meet you. Not send a messenger to avoid a conversation) supportive, cards on the table, family oriented or understanding, adventurous, pushes ME, ignited, on fire, living bravely, extraordinary way with people, kind, talented, wine drinker, experienced, a student of the world,comfortable with yourself, shows me something new, partakes in joys and sorrows., creative, not competitive, not in a comparison world, loyal.
This isn’t even like some far off list of people who don’t exist. This is a list of the close friends I have today and the outline for people I want to attract AND the standard at which I’m holding myself in relationships.
If you’re feeling weird about a relationship in your life, I would suggest reevaluating it. Sometimes the grass really is greener
Who is in YOUR TRIBE?
Off making friends,