A reflection of my 20s

So I noticed that yesterday exactly ten years ago–was one of the best weekends of my life. I was 21, living in Vegas, my friends were in town and I met the boy I was supposed to marry and be with for the rest of my life. A whirlwind long distance romance started all culminating into me moving across the country for him to beautiful Atlantic City where we lived happily ever after. 

OR, where all of my fear of settling down, irresponsible, young woman child insecurities, not divorced from the last “it boy” issues culminated into a heartbreak that would last for like five years. Hahahaha.

Does anyone remember their 20s? Assuming that you’re out of them. My 20s lasted for like 20 years and were over in a flash. I feel like I did my 20s all the way right but I just wanna go slap myself too. 

A total blur of travel, PARTYING, a revolving door of bad boyfriends, a swinging gate of apartments, fur coats, rock shows, surprise parties, eyeliner, jäger bombs, and bikinis. Glitter, black eyes, musicians. Pregnancy scares, black mold, bartending.  

For some I was a train wreck, for some I was a spirit animal.

 I compromised myself too many times for the wrong people, I did NOT understand valuing myself, and I WISH I had spent more time pushing my career forward than following my bleeding, fangirl heart looking for “a man”. But I was ALL heart. So I can’t imagine I would’ve  enjoyed doing anything other than what I was doing. Because I was never on anyone else’s life schedule or plan for me–and I do thank God for that. 

My life is so completely different now–I mean complete 180. For starters, I have shit to do. Real shit. Which puts in perspective all the times I thought I was so busy but had nothing to actually do. I also have goals now. I was always flying by the seat of ‘whatever happens happens’ NOW I realize (whoa) I can actually MAKE things happen. And having a baby and family to take care of really pushes me to carve out that Beau time to make sure I get things done. I’m always actively fighting becoming too “normal” hahaha. So I have to remember to GTFO and kick my ass to get things done. There is TONS of shit left unchecked on my bucket list that I Wanted to do before having a baby–but in a lot of ways I never would’ve done any of it without having a baby. NOW, my time has so much more meaning. 

 It’s hard for some people to accept my life has changed (including me, sometimes). No, I won’t be driving to Canada with you right this second, with a couple of five hr energies and a bottle of rum. BUT, I could drive with you safely in a month, with my baby, and have a drink once we get there. It’s all in the compromise. I’m ecstatic to be where I am today–because honestly, I can’t believe I made it out alive–and so grateful for the clarity that I’ve grown into.

I don’t think that comes with age, just whatever personal journey you’re on. My sister in law is ten years younger and decades smarter than me. There are people older than me with less life experience and zero soul searching notched into their belt–who don’t need what I need to feel whole. 

I needed road trips and heartbreaks and desert wind and mountain tops and New York City to BE. To feel the full experience of the depths of what life could be and in that moment, is. 

I would go crazy too buttoned up, too domesticated. 

Now I need road trips, goals checked, vacations, good friends, yoga, writing, happy family, to BE. 

My 20s were exactly what I needed to get to exactly where I am, where I want to be, and beyond. The lessons I learned about who and how to love, self respect, friendship, standing for something, how work ethic and responsibility WONT KILL YOU, how to drive a stick, how to travel alone, how to survive a riptide, how to get out of an abuse cycle, how to live alone, how to get down a mountain at closing time after pissing yourself, how to fake inhale, how to love yourself–they aren’t going anywhere.

 I’m totally still learning everyday, but these things–I got them down. And I’m thanking myself for that. 

What were your 20s like? What do you need to ‘Be.’

Off being 31 AF, 

Beaufield

You can never be old and wise if you were never young and stupid. 

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