The first blog post of the year!
Ahhh, I FEEL the pressure.
So, not reflecting and just looking forward into the year that lays before all of us-a blank, beautiful slate, I am prepared. You?
This year of playing BIGGER and living courageously has been a long time coming. I have always sought a life full of experience, adventure, stories, sought love (in all the wrong places until now), and (but) meandered around the ideas of achievement or success. Meaning I’ve never really TRIED for much. Whoa, is that wild to admit.
I’ve always just kinda believed in myself. I’ve always kinda wanted to succeed at stuff. I’ve always kinda was fine with whatever happened. And in that way of kinda living–if it didn’t come easy, it didn’t come at all, and I was on to the next thing.
This has never been due to a lack of passion, and the truth be told I had more ambition than most people I knew. And maybe that was part of the problem. (Not a dig to them, but you KNOW when you’re in the wrong tribe.) But, what I DO know, is it had EVERYTHING to do with fear. As most things that hold you back in any way, do.
Fear of failure. Fear of success.Fear of vulnerability. Fear of not being liked. Fear of coming back home, tail between my legs and everyone knowing I wasn’t MORE. Fear of not being recognized.
I used to say, very seriously, if you never try-you can never fail.
Which is totally true. But what a terrible way to live, and whoever I was giving that advice to I owe a heartfelt apology. I’M SORRY! I WAS AN IDIOT!
I am complete with “kinda” living. I have a PHD in it, okay? And it’s worthless. I am ready to live courageously and fully. You can’t live kinda courageously. You can’t be kinda brave. These are bold choices that have no space in them for ambivalence. Playing BIGGER, living courageously.
This isn’t some grandiose New Years Resolution-but it IS a realization and a lifestyle change.
I’m stepping out of the stands and into the arena-where I’m going to get my ass kicked. Where I’m going to CARE, to SHARE, to be truly, openly vulnerable and put myself and my work out in the world for everyone to partake in. There will definitely continue to be fear. HOLY SHIT-is there going to be fear. But, being in the arena, I’m armed and ready to combat it, head on-instead of avoiding it all together by sitting meekly in the stands and only kinda participating in my own life.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
― Theodore Roosevelt