I just want to talk about the movie Inside Out and how it completely destroyed my world and cut to the core.
If you’ve seen it and you’re not a robot, I’m sure it cut to your core too.
I’ve never watched anything so universally relatable and watching with Shine made it all the more emotional.
I’ve battled depression for a long time. And I didn’t even know it. (No, I didn’t realize it because of Pixar) but it’s a hard thing to admit. Depression comes in so many varying degrees and since I was never one to sit around and sulk and close myself off from people (all those depression stereotypes we look for) it was easier to hide. Even from myself. It’s only now, with all of the conscious and purposeful changes I’ve sought in my life that I realized what it was-then.
Running, deflecting, evading, lying to myself, drinking, apathy, irresponsibility, bad relationship choices, self sabotage, abuse–all of these components of myself that I so easily disguised underneath charm and talent were nothing but masks for all the things I was hiding from inside. Plus, I’ve always had WAY too much confidence to ever consider myself depressed. That was for insecure people.
My fear, anger and disgust were working overtime and sadness touching all of the things that should have been precious, with Joy deep down inside somewhere, begging to get out. I thought that was her when I was partying, but really it was just her fun but lonely cousin, Yolo. Hahahaha.
Let me be clear, I own absolutely every choice I’ve ever made. Even the painful ones. Even the ones that make me cringe and the ones that got repeated. That was ALL me. And I’m never going to look into the naive eyes my silly, sad, hopeful younger self and let her feel shamed. Her heart was always in the right place. Often times for others, before her own. Let me also be clear, I had a freaking blast in my 20’s. This isn’t a “what was I thinking” retrospect-just a realization.
Depression never fully goes away. But without realizing my fun lifestyle was also (at times) a coverup for something more sinister, without going to those depths, I wouldn’t be able to truly appreciate who and where I am today.
Some (very lucky) bastards don’t have the burden of having to hit bottom to find their true north. I, proudly, am not one of them. And I thank the Universe that I made it out on the other side to celebrate real satisfaction and happiness and toast to the girl I used to be making me the woman I am becoming.
HOW DID AN ANIMATED MOVIE BRING ALL OF THIS OUT OF ME???
(The book ‘WILD’ by Cheryl Strayed also highlights that depression-seeking meaning-transformation journey, that we are all allowed to have.)
Inside Out beautifully showcased just what it feels like when your joy slips away bit by bit and all of your islands of wonderful, free personality start to gray and break apart. It’s not the end. You can rebuild bigger, greater islands. Beautiful, multi layered marbles of memory. This will all make sense once you see it.
I cried this entire movie and hugged Shine so much he was totally done with me. It’s perfect and bright for kids, but for adults who KNOW what they’re talking about, it is heart wrenching.