Sayonara 2015

It is December 30th!!

Woo Hoo! Thank you universe for another year in the books. I always try to remain aware that there are many people who won’t have the opportunity to see 2016, and be grateful for making it. Right now we’re setting up for a last minute party we’re having for family and friends. Mardi Gras themed, just because I have a lot of those kind of decorations.

I suppose at the end of the year I’m supposed to be ‘reflecting’–I mean, that’s kind of what you do as you usher in a new year. But right now, in this moment. I totally don’t feel like reflecting. 2015, was full of ups and downs and personal come to Jesus moments and I’m grateful for it and grateful to have it be ending.

I WILL say that  I do have goals for this new year. The most major one is to become goal oriented. Take them as seriously as vows and hit every one of them out of the park. I look forward to watching my baby get bigger, my husband (and me) get smaller and really playing BIG in my life. Not sitting in the stands, but getting out there in the game and living courageously into the life I’m supposed to have. The life the Universe wants me to have and the divine purpose I am here to fulfill.

I know, that sounds like a lot to tackle in a year! But, the difference between this year and all the 31 others behind me now, is that I am ready. I am seeking truth and asking to fulfill my purpose. I wasn’t capable of living into that any year before this one, because that is the way it is. I have been a student, and now I’m ready to apply the lessons into life.

What are your goals for 2016?

What is your divine purpose? Are you living into it? In the game or in the stands? How can you live life more courageously?

Happy New Year!

Be safe and well.

 

Snow.

We are snowed in.

This, for most people, inspires joy and the cozy comfort of winter break. Lax work schedules and no school. However, it is NOT good for me. I feel cramped, lethargic, restless–true cabin fever. When I lived in the mountains it was great–because it was time to hit the slopes and make some mountain magic. Winter is very different in Nebraska vs Colorado.

Nebraska is very…flat.

I have about a 24 hour time limit of lazing around, watching TV and being “cozy” before I absolutely snap and turn into a rude bitch. I went out and shoveled everything today! Just to get out! So I’m being proactive. Making list after list of goal and guideline for the next month. Writing and meditating and really get 2016 off to a kick ass start. I’m taking time to play with the little one, be affectionate with my hubby, and realign my heart to it’s true north.

So I guess it’s not THAT bad after all. Glad we had this talk.

BTW, Christmas was wonderful.

Christmas Mush

Tonight a full three days BEFORE Christmas Rob and I went a little instant gratification and exchanged gifts. It was very fun and very unexpected.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. I told him to take me to Cheddars. Hahahahaha.

I adore this man. I love his face, his body, his attitude, his laugh. I get a lot of pleasure showing him something I think he’ll like-and he does. Or surprising him with little things-like cleaning on my own. Or when he says something and I’m just like “you get me”  because outwardly we are so different. Polar opposites.

Today he said something that melted my heart. And truth be told, I am not a romantic, mushy, gooey eyed chump, okay? But I have had terrible luck with relationships. Multiple run ins with domestic violence and harassment–so I freaking earned this relationship. Hahaha. It is so amazing to be with someone who lets me be my BEST self.

And I’m SO not there yet, but he gives me the space and opportunity. Without any of the drama, soul sucking restrictions of those in the past.

So anyway-we were watching some trash on TV-I don’t actually remember how this came up at all but I said something like, “I could never be with someone like that. I’d like it, then be annoyed. I need someone like you.” And he goes:

“I’ve been trying to drop you hints for a long time that I am the perfect man for you. And there is no other man, for you, that you can deal with on this planet. It’s just me.”

My little heart just split in two. Into a pile of glittery pink cotton candy with a smile made out of love.

I have to add this disclaimer, now that my mush has come to an end:

If you don’t know if you should stay with someone or leave them. If you’re on the fence but you don’t know how to do it. Or your scared of being alone. –No, F that. LEAVE. Leave yesterday. Don’t waste the precious minutes of your life with someone who doesn’t see, love and cherish you just as you are today.

 

Hello, from the other side.

What the fuck was I doing on a party bus with a bunch of med students last night?

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Just a couple of crazy med students.

 

Oh yeah, supporting my Sister in Law (who actually IS in Med school) and telling everyone I was an “M4” Derm student.

Also, comforting girls in the bathroom who were scared they weren’t going to make it through school.

“If I can do it, you can do it. Look at me. I’m an M4!”

(I’m a 31 year old Mom, out past her bedtime.)

Wildly Inside Out-a reflection

I just want to talk about the movie Inside Out and how it completely destroyed my world and cut to the core.

If you’ve seen it and you’re not a robot, I’m sure it cut to your core too.

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I’ve never watched anything so universally relatable and watching with Shine made it all the more emotional.

I’ve battled depression for a long time. And I didn’t even know it. (No, I didn’t realize it because of Pixar) but it’s a hard thing to admit. Depression comes in so many varying degrees and since I was never one to sit around and sulk and close myself off from people (all those depression stereotypes we look for) it was easier to hide. Even from myself. It’s only now, with all of the conscious and purposeful changes I’ve sought in my life that I realized what it was-then.

Running, deflecting, evading, lying to myself, drinking, apathy, irresponsibility, bad relationship choices, self sabotage, abuse–all of these components of myself that I so easily disguised underneath charm and talent were nothing but masks for all the things I was hiding from inside. Plus, I’ve always had WAY too much confidence to ever consider myself depressed. That was for insecure people.

My fear, anger and disgust were working overtime and sadness touching all of the things that should have been precious, with Joy deep down inside somewhere, begging to get out. I thought that was her when I was partying, but really it was just her fun but lonely cousin, Yolo. Hahahaha.

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Let me be clear, I own absolutely every choice I’ve ever made. Even the painful ones. Even the ones that make me cringe and the ones that got repeated. That was ALL me. And I’m never going to look into the naive eyes my silly, sad, hopeful younger self and let her feel shamed. Her heart was always in the right place. Often times for others, before her own. Let me also be clear, I had a freaking blast in my 20’s. This isn’t a “what was I thinking” retrospect-just a realization.

Depression never fully goes away. But without realizing my fun lifestyle was also (at times) a coverup for something more sinister, without going to those depths, I wouldn’t be able to truly appreciate who and where I am today.

Some (very lucky) bastards don’t have the burden of having to hit bottom to find their true north. I, proudly, am not one of them. And I thank the Universe that I made it out on the other side to celebrate real satisfaction and happiness and toast to the girl I used to be making me the woman I am becoming.

HOW DID AN ANIMATED MOVIE BRING ALL OF THIS OUT OF ME???

(The book ‘WILD’ by Cheryl Strayed also highlights that depression-seeking meaning-transformation journey, that we are all allowed to have.)

Inside Out beautifully showcased just what it feels like when your joy slips away bit by bit and all of your islands of wonderful, free personality start to gray and break apart. It’s not the end. You can rebuild bigger, greater islands. Beautiful, multi layered marbles of memory. This will all make sense once you see it.

I cried this entire movie and hugged Shine so much he was totally done with me. It’s perfect and bright for kids, but for adults who KNOW what they’re talking about, it is heart wrenching.

Christmas Spirit

I haven’t been one for the holidays for QUITE some time. The cheery lights, baked goods and family togetherness usually harken a dark melancholy inside me and I’ve opted for bottles of Grey goose and Tarantino movies over caroling and gifts.

I had someone ask me, completely dumbfounded, how this was a thing. “How could ANYONE not LOOOOVE Christmas,” she asked me from behind her green and red sweater, Old navy hat and gloves, innocent eyes of a woman who had clearly never experienced emotional pain so deep it takes years of Christmases to care again.

I don’t want to get in the specifics of WHY Christmas went awry for me, so many years ago. I’ll just say that as I grew up my Christmases did too. There were less grandparents and extended families, less hours of laughter and gifts, and eventually (for me) more sadness in all the changes  that are the price of getting older.

My favorite Christmas was spent in a bar, getting PLASTERED until December 26th with my friends little sister. Discussing everything from shared history to religion. Three days later I found out I was pregnant.

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Having Shiner has given me a renewed sense of what Christmas is supposed to be about. Since his Dad isn’t huge on the holiday either and less willing to change, I have taken the Christmas reigns to ensure that Shine’s childhood holidays are just as magical and wondrous as mine once were. As they should be.

Cookies and cakes, Nat King Cole, presents and candles and even–a big, white Christmas tree with tons of ornaments he loves to throw off. He’s small now, and won’t remember these first few years. But as he grows so do I-and i look forward to all of the amazing winter memories we’ll make as a family. If he grows up to be jaded about this time of year, I will understand, but it won’t be on my watch.

La Tortuga

We just got back from a working vacation in Florida.

Despite all of the crazy things you hear about people in Florida, and the weird ass new stories that come out of that place. It is beautiful and tropical and I didn’t personally encounter any cannibals, that I know of.

My husband was in a conference so it was just me and Shine for the majority of the five days we were there and it was incredible. I love spending time with our little guy and exposing him to a bigger world, a wider picture is of the utmost importance to me, regardless of whether he has a long term memory of it or not.

I will never forget the first time he saw the ocean and his eyes grew wide and his little finger outstretched to it, wondering where the hell we were.

Or sand getting stuck on his hand and him crying and trying to wipe it off on me.

His face when we’re in the swimming pool and he jumps from the ledge into my arms.

I don’t know if these memories are for me or for him. Maybe selfishly, they are for me. But watching the beginnings of a human becoming who they will be, is the most surreal experience of my life. More surreal than the first time I saw the ocean.

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The Loggerhead MarineLife Center in Juno Beach, Florida. And Jax, the Leatherback.

The best thing- and a highlight of my life as a whole:

I wanted to take the time to see some sea turtles and found this wonderful Marine Life Center, who rescues and rehabilitates the turtles. It reminded me of when I was a child and my great-grandfather would take us on long drives (usually to the air Force Base, as he was a vet). We, (my brother and I) would say:

“Where are we going?” and he would always say, “To see the turtle take the water.”

A saying I repeated to Shine over and over that morning, thinking about my Grandpop and how everlasting love must be a thing because through me I know Grandpop and Shine hold a special connection. I am the vessel of love from which my past on loved ones, love my son. (Does that make sense?) Anyway, we go and see the rescue turtles and then make our way over to the nearby beach where we walk the shoreline for a little and dig around in the sand. As we’re leaving we see the rescue team coming over the dunes with two turtles that they are relaeasing back into the Ocean right then.

I was completely emotional, tearing up. To me, that whole connection was a full circle experience. I FINALLY got to see the turtles take the water with my own son. I seriously felt a magical and spiritual connection to the Agape love felt between me and my beloved Grandpop and now my boy.

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Shine Avett on the move. The airport. The hotel. The pathway.

In short-I was freaking stoked on life.

 

 

The Cumbersome Fantasy of Sleep

If you are a parent and you also happen to be a writer, then you profoundly understand what it is like to get through your day red eyed, yawning, and probably cranky. Even just one of these two lends itself to an exhaustive new normal-but both? Yeah, the last REM you saw–Michael Stipe had hair. tumblr_mum6chTZYj1ri3zhzo1_500.jpg

I find myself writing in the margins of a bigger picture, busier life. Sneaking it into the crevices of a nap, the downtime of cooking dinner. When my husband and son are tucked away in bed, if I have the strength and will to resist curling up next to them, I sneak out to the computer and get to work. The silence of our loud and busy house hushed to just the sound of my weary thoughts and clacking keys. I’ve “trained” by baby to wake up as late as I do. At least 9:30. And, also like me, he does so slowly and grumpily. He needs food, he needs Elmo, and THEN, THENNNN we can talk. While he nibbles away on blackberries and cheerios and bounces  to his favorite Sesame Street songs, I quietly retreat to my computer to get a few more words in. This usually buys me a half hour and if I’m lucky an hour. I push the guilt I feel about my television baby sitter out of my head and pray that some silver thread of inspiration will hit me in the short time allotted. If I’m really lucky, my husband wakes me up with coffee, jolting my synapses to the fast lane.

I blame my son. I blame my work. I blame my husbands snoring. But the truth is I have always been a late night, sneak writer. If I had known the life that awaited me I may have been more productive with my time when it was still just my own!

But I have accepted this beautiful, fleeting, soft time in my life of building a home and raising children. So just as I cherish my time with my family, I cherish ANY amount of time I get at my desk.

We can all sleep when we’re dead.